Chronic pain and being enough
I just realized that I do not often write directly about pain in these blogs. So this blog is about the struggle with feeling that we are NOT enough and do not DO enough. This is often a challenge when we have chronic pain.
I had a deeply humbling period of months a few years back, when I neither had work to earn money, nor could I contribute much of anything to our household. I had hurt both wrists and arms while doing tile work for our bathrooms, and I could not even lift a frying pan, carry up the groceries or do anything for more than a few minutes. Even holding a book hurt. Who was I, if I could not do work? What worthwhile thing could I contribute to my family? I simply had to rest to let my arms heal up. I had to ask for help again, and again– and to tell my family exactly what I needed help with. Luckily I found assistance to work with my sense of self-worth and an uncertain future. Finally I gave myself permission to just sit and only do what I was able. Interestingly enough, a year later I received the offer to apprentice with the facilitator of a chronic pain management group. This website is the result from that time, who would have known?
Yoga and a talk
My last yoga class started with the suggestion to experience “the spaciousness of being enough, having done enough, having enough time…” This came at the end of a day when I felt I had not done enough for two particular patients. And it reminded me of another yoga class in which I deeply experienced ENOUGH. This class was held on a meadow surrounded by trees in a place I love. I joined a circle of mostly yoga teachers (two of them were getting married) and followed along as best I could, as usual adapting poses to make them work for me (during that time both my wrists also hurt). The sun was out and it was beginning to warm up. Finally, after working hard and relaxing in Savasana stretched out on my back, I was suddenly flooded by a blissful feeling and the word enough just echoed through my being. Out of nowhere, not suggested, not out of mind, just present with the sun, the air, my body humming with tired relaxation. Enough– everything in my life was sufficient, known with certainty.
These days I often tune into a sense of gratefulness during the day, but this sense of enough was a one-time, visceral, overpowering experience. As our bodies are good at storing such felt memories, I do remember that it is possible to experience. And that it can be true.
Good things come in threes, and today I listened to a talk by Tara Brach about, among other things, being and doing enough. Listen to it now. Later in the talk she also recalls not being able to meditate because of pain, and what happened during her long meditation retreat, not being able to walk or sit. If you are new to Tara’s work, she is a meditation teacher and psychotherapist who also has a degenerative disease, which leaves her with pain and limitations. I often listen to her talks and frequently use her meditations. Search this site for her name to find more links to my favorite talks and meditations. More talks and meditations can be found at Tarabrach.com.